I know I hardly ever post anything here, but I felt compelled to write something today.  It feels okay to do this here because almost no one reads this, so it's safe, right???

Today marks one year since my mother passed away.  I'm not sure if I've ever thought about my mom as much as I have in the past year.  I've relived a lot of past memories (some good; some not).  My relationship with my mother was complicated and I'm not sure it would have ever been completely repaired, but even with all of the brokenness, I still loved her.  In fact, I don't think I've ever loved her as much as I have in the past year if that makes sense. 

If I think too long about it, sometimes I get angry at her or just sad for her.  She was never too stable or sure of herself.  She was hardly strong enough to manage her own problems and she had several issues, so she had a difficult time being a mother to my sister and me.  As I've grown older and stronger, I've realized just how broken she was.  I know now that her actions were the results of traumatic events in her life that she didn't know how to handle.  I have wished over and over that things would have been different, but I know that wishing for that is useless. 

Like I mentioned earlier, in the past year, I've relived previous events over and over again.  Things that I had blocked out of my mind.  And somehow that seems to be a big part of the healing process.  Some of these things happened when I wasn't ready to handle them.  I'm strong enough now to begin letting go.  A quality both my sister and I have developed is self-reflection and awareness.  That might come from paranoia, haha, but it's better to be on the safe side, right? 

Acceptance of things like this is hard, but necessary.  I know how to distinguish her actions from my reactions and consequent actions now.  As much as I would have liked to, I could not have controlled my mom's actions.  She owned her problems completely, just as I now own mine completely.  That's an important fact that I have learned.  It's easy to become codependent, but I know that I have to accept the things that I do not have control over.  

Change is inevitable.  Sometimes it's hard, really hard, but there's no use in letting fear take control.  Time takes its course and things do seem to work out.  I'm not over my mother's death and I think it will be a while before I will be, but I know that I will be okay.  I'm thankful for my sister who understands completely and will listen to me when I need it.  

One of the biggest things that I have learned through my experiences (especially as a child) is that I cannot take anything for granted and I need to do my best to help those around me as I do not know exactly what they are going through. 

So - to my mother - I hope she has now found the peace and freedom that she was always looking for.