decisions

So this is pretty much how I feel:

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet." ~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

Except, you know, I hope I can decide before my figs plop.

Summer passes and I have a list full of houses.

It's probably no secret that I'm confused about my future. In the grand scheme of things, it probably doesn't matter too much what exactly I decide to do now. I'm just so afraid to get caught up in something I do not want to do. I do not want to be mundane.

I spent the summer at my sister's house again. About three days before graduation, I decided to ask my sister if I could stay there again because I didn't have anywhere else to go. So I went. The summer passed. I didn't do a whole lot, but it wasn't a bad summer. Graduating college can be humbling. But, I realize my life isn't as bad as I think it is sometimes. I'm a lucky girl. And I'm realizing more and more that I have the most amazing people in my life.

Anyways, right after graduation, I went with my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew to Weston, Florida which is close to Miami. We spent about a week there. We went down the Key West, we took an airboat tour of the Everglades, we went to Universal Studios, we checked out the Kennedy Space Center, and hung out in Miami. Vacation was good. I am lucky.

After we got back from Florida, I started my search for jobs, since I had not taken my previous job down there.... because I thought I wasn't going to go back to White Hall. So my big first job after college was..... drumroll..... Dollar General. As unglamorous as that is, I had fun and I might have learned something. After I filled out the application, the manager looked over it and the fact that I had a degree in music caught his eye, because he too has a degree in music. However, he never used it and decided to go back for management (which, at the time, I thought that was what I was going to... to combine it into arts administration....). So, that caught my attention. We discussed music and career possibilities. He hired me and I decided I didn't want to leave music.

So, I spent my days working there. I got to know him and his goofy sense of humor. It was definitely evident in his sense of humor that he has "music blood." The co-worker that I got to know the most also had a degree.... but it was in psychology. The assistant manager was a mess and one of the most negative people I've ever met, but I couldn't help but like her. On the fourth of July, we closed together and she told me her story. She followed her now ex-husband to Arkansas from California. She hates men but loves her children. She has a fifteen year old pet raccoon. So, she did gain something in Arkansas that she wouldn't have in California.

I liked meeting all of the people that came in. A lot of them were regulars. One man never failed to tell me how much cholesterol any one item had. He was on a strict diet from his doctor. One lady always talked about her motorcycle accident. I didn't know any of their names but I got to know their personalities. It was also an easy job, so I could spend a lot of time thinking. Not that that's a good thing....

I also worked in a 2 year old room as an assistant for a Sunday School class on Sunday mornings at my sister's church. I babysat my nephew a lot and that was probably the favorite part of summer. He's eight months old so he's learning new things everyday. I love him a whole lot.

I spent a lot of nights reading the internet, worrying about my future, and watching reruns of "Friends." I'm really productive. And sarcastic.

I also think my love of the clarinet came back. I ended up practicing a lot. It had been a while since I enjoyed that. And, I generally ended up in a state of nostalgia. I missed clarinet, band, music, the people.

So... sometime during the summer, I realized that arts administration was probably too business-y for me. Indication #1: I use the word "bussiness-y." So, I decided not to go to school this year. I have a degree. I'm not sure what I'm doing, but I assume I will figure it out. So, for a while, I didn't think I would be able to go back to Russellville... and that got me down most of the time.

However, I have some amazing friends... one that pretty much found me a job down here. Then, I wasn't going to be able to afford to move down here, but I just talked to a couple of people about it. And, now, I have about 10 temporary houses and maybe more... couches, beds, floorspaces. I'm not homeless like I've been advertising, but rather, very homeful. I'm loving seeing and hanging out with all the people I love. I miss a couple who have gone, but I'm very lucky to have what I have. I hope I can pay all of these people back in some way or another.

I'm a drifter right now, but it feels like an adventure, so I'm welcoming it.

I'm very blessed.

Silent Night

Yesterday, I was sitting in the living room of my sister's house, holding my nephew. He's five months old. He had just woken up from a nap and was looking up at me with the most innocent, bright eyes. He was so peaceful, innocent, curious.

The news was on... GM bankrupt, airplane crash, a shooting, sex solicited.

It reminded me of this...

There's always peace and goodness somewhere... More people need to find it. More people need to give it away.

Playing For Change

From Mark Johnson's and Johnathan Waller's documentary,
Playing for Change: Peace Through Music